Not a "Girl" Anymore
Life can be full of heart aches, love, exciting experiences, and passion. Right now, I am in the beginning of all of these. I'm fourteen years old and I have just began "my" life. Not the life that my parents have made for me. But the life where I dress myself every morning, fall inlove a million times, make a thousand mistakes, and live as I desire. Here is where you will find me blab on about my life, heart aches and passions.
Damn right life has heart aches, and yes there are definitely interesting experiences you have as a high school student. That's for sure. But I am not quite as young as I was when I wrote that. I am seventeen now. If you want to read the life of me going through the horrible things a girl has to go through as growing into a lady, then by all means, go read that journal of mine. Because I promise, this will not be a "I got my first bra" and "The boy I have been staring at in math class for the last week, smiled at me!" I am coming to the end of high school, and I could not be more glad.
As I refuse to draw in this journal with little doodles, I'll explain to you what I look like, and try to give you the best description I can. I am about 5'7, imagine that growing up! Good thing the guys finally sprouted in gr.9, and I stopped in gr.7. A 13 year old girl, who is 5'7. Torture! At the moment, I have brown hair. It's as close to my natural as it gets. I used to streak my hair blonde, but I got fed up with roots! It streaks itself blonde in the Summer anyways!
My eyes are.. well they change. It depends on the lighting, weather, season, what I am wearing.. It's weird, I know. They were blue when I was born, like my moms. Though, usually the green in them stands out the most. I like it best when they tint green-grey. It's not everyday you see a person with grey-like eyes! My dad and I share this characteristic. For Family photos they put us together, because of our similar eyes.
My lips are small, and my ears are huge! I keep them covered by my hair, when I can. My butt is as flat as it could be, and my chest is average.. I guess. My body is pretty thin, so I understand why I am sort of lacking in that department.
Got some kind of idea? Good.
I have an older brother. He calls himself, "stud". HA! Yea right, Brody. It's not like he is lacking the ladies, it's just his confidence can get in the way. He has always been there for me, and yes, I mean from when we were 5 and naked at our cabin to now. He is twenty-two, and still no university, no serious girlfriend. Things seem to always work out for him though, so I have no worry.
His life in high school was straight forward. He hadn't exactly blended in, but wasn't that snobby basketball captain. I wish it was that easy for me.
I used to want a perfect ending. Now I have learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and sure, movies are nice to watch, but they are not reality. If they start becoming the goal in life, all will end in disappointment. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it. Even without knowing what is going to happen next.
The Way of the Gun
Life can be full of heart aches, love, exciting experiences, and passion. Right now, I am in the beginning of all of these. I'm fourteen years old and I have just began "my" life. Not the life that my parents have made for me. But the life where I dress myself every morning, fall inlove a million times, make a thousand mistakes, and live as I desire. Here is where you will find me blab on about my life, heart aches and passions.
Damn right life has heart aches, and yes there are definitely interesting experiences you have as a high school student. That's for sure. But I am not quite as young as I was when I wrote that. I am seventeen now. If you want to read the life of me going through the horrible things a girl has to go through as growing into a lady, then by all means, go read that journal of mine. Because I promise, this will not be a "I got my first bra" and "The boy I have been staring at in math class for the last week, smiled at me!" I am coming to the end of high school, and I could not be more glad.
As I refuse to draw in this journal with little doodles, I'll explain to you what I look like, and try to give you the best description I can. I am about 5'7, imagine that growing up! Good thing the guys finally sprouted in gr.9, and I stopped in gr.7. A 13 year old girl, who is 5'7. Torture! At the moment, I have brown hair. It's as close to my natural as it gets. I used to streak my hair blonde, but I got fed up with roots! It streaks itself blonde in the Summer anyways!
My eyes are.. well they change. It depends on the lighting, weather, season, what I am wearing.. It's weird, I know. They were blue when I was born, like my moms. Though, usually the green in them stands out the most. I like it best when they tint green-grey. It's not everyday you see a person with grey-like eyes! My dad and I share this characteristic. For Family photos they put us together, because of our similar eyes.
My lips are small, and my ears are huge! I keep them covered by my hair, when I can. My butt is as flat as it could be, and my chest is average.. I guess. My body is pretty thin, so I understand why I am sort of lacking in that department.
Got some kind of idea? Good.
I have an older brother. He calls himself, "stud". HA! Yea right, Brody. It's not like he is lacking the ladies, it's just his confidence can get in the way. He has always been there for me, and yes, I mean from when we were 5 and naked at our cabin to now. He is twenty-two, and still no university, no serious girlfriend. Things seem to always work out for him though, so I have no worry.
His life in high school was straight forward. He hadn't exactly blended in, but wasn't that snobby basketball captain. I wish it was that easy for me.
I used to want a perfect ending. Now I have learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and sure, movies are nice to watch, but they are not reality. If they start becoming the goal in life, all will end in disappointment. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it. Even without knowing what is going to happen next.
The Way of the Gun
7:00am my alarm clock sang the song, I hear every morning, five times a week. I lift my feet from under the covers, and place them in my two year old slippers. In my baggy tee, and size-to-small underwear, I head to the bathroom. Washed face, brushed hair, brushed teeth. Back to the bedroom, to the small closet where I have a small selection of clothes. I grab my favorite jeans, which have more holes in it than the cheese sitting downstairs on our kitchen counter. And the first shirt I see, its plaid. With a little mascara and blush, I am ready.
It takes 10 steps to walk along the hall, past my brothers door, and to be at the top of the stairs. 25 to reach the kitchen. And after grabbing my annual banana and bottle of water. The three knocks on the door remind me to grab my purse and keys, that I always seem to lose. A familiar face, one I have seen ever since the age of four, walks in. Caleb greets me. His two eyebrows raise, quickly, and shoots me a smile. "Hey Smudge" That's my nickname. Has been since second grade, I accidentally came to school with oil on my face from helping Dad with the car. Still to this day, he won't let me forget it.
✯ ✯ ✯
Today feels like the slowest day of the week. I mean, I guess Fridays always seem to be. Caleb and I meet at my locker after Biology. He walks over with something in his hand. Did I mention it was my Birthday?
His eyes meet my gaze, then roam toward the necklace woven through his fingers. "It's a classic coke bottle," he says, laughing. "Like the one that sits on your desk, ever since your dad gave you one from his shop."
I frown. And he notices, his eyebrows pulls towards the center of his forehead. He's always so concerned. "Nothing," I reassure him. "You notice everything, Caleb Henry Dets."
We laugh, and I take the necklace from his hands. I shove it in my front pocket. "Let's go be fearless together!" I exclaim, as I run around him. I grab the back of his jacket and lead him to the front doors. I dash to his car. I raise my hand, as if expecting to catch something. "The keys..." I hint. "I'm driving!"
I don't give him a chance to protest, I cock my eyebrow and pull the Birthday card. Before you know it, the keys leave his hand and land in mine with a jingle. As Caleb ran to the passenger side, I turn the car on. When he reaches for the seat belt, I hit the gas peddle. His spine hits the seat. "Why do I get the feeling you will be the death of me?" He quotes from Star Wars. What a nerd. We laugh together.
I take him to the Central Graveyard. Not because of the dead people. But just off the edge of it, is where we like to crash. As I reach into my purse for my journal, I catch him from the corner of my eye, in gaze. Why is he looking at me? In an awkward shift, I look at him and open my side of the car. He hops out, before I get the chance.
"What's taking you so long, Trish?" He winks, and runs towards out spot. When he leaps over a tomb, I shake my head. I was in some kind of daze. Sort of skipping, I catch up to him. "Finally..." He jokes.
I sit underneath the old tree. And when I say old, I mean real old! The thick trunk, and the height of it - Along with the dead bark, and many holes. Gives it away. Last Spring, in the right corner we noticed a rabbits den. It makes me smile, remembering the rabbits and their curious twitch of the nose. After awhile, they actually became somewhat comfortable with us. Not that we really gave them a choice. I mean, we are here every day.
I begin to write. He hums the song Sunrise by Rascal Flatts.
✯ ✯ ✯
I don't know how long we have been sitting there, but as I look up, I see Caleb doing some Irish jig.
What a goof.
"Come on, let me write a Birthday note in there." He says, "then we can get going to dinner."
I stand and reach for his wrist. His clock says, 12:06.. Wait, that's the big hand not the little hand. I get on the other side of him, 6:12pm. I giggle a little. "Alright, I guess..." I moaned.
After handing it to Caleb, I walk towards the lake. I pace back and forth for a short-while. But as I reach my patience level, I notice just beneath my feet, a shiny, perfect skipping rock. I lean to pick it up - Oof! I turn with a glare. "Caleb!" I snap.
He stands there chuckling. I push passed him with a pout on my face. Caleb bounds beside me, and throws his arm around my shoulder. Slightly pinching the side of my stomach on his way over to my shoulder. I giggle.
"Can't I have a dramatic walk away with you making me smile?" I insist.
"Not on my watch!" He nags.
We head to dinner. Not to some fancy place. No. To Suzanne's diner off the corner of Drake St.
✯ ✯ ✯
We have been talking for an hours here. Waiting for dessert. The clock will hit eleven, in ten minutes.
Caleb looks up at me, "So Trish, so over all..." He says.
I nod.
"Your day." He hesitates, "is it worth a memory?"
I open my mouth, to reassure him that it was fantastic. When my phone rings. My brothers ringtone. The Spiderman theme song. I blush and giggle a bit. I bring my purse up onto the table, and begin the search. Caleb smirks, and pops the phone right out of the front pocket.
"You had to wait till now to wish me a good Birthday?" I chuckle a little. "Hello?" I say with concern.
"Trisha, I got in a fight..." Brody stutters. "I'm drunk, he was pissing me off, I couldn't control myself, I... I killed him."
I stop breathing. I stop blinking. I feel a tear fall out the corner of my eye, and sit on my bottom lip. I exhale, and shut my eyes. Caleb grabs my phone from my hand, and puts it to his ear. "It's okay," He says. "Where are you?" He's calm.
After some time passes. I have no idea how long. Caleb stands, puts my phone back where it was - the front pocket. Takes some money from his wallet to pay for the check, and places it underneath the salt shaker. He grabs my purse and my hand. We walk out of the diner, I try to focus on his feet, otherwise I know I will tip over. He places me in the passenger seat as easily as he did with the money. As he walks along the front of the car, he takes a breath. I can tell, because he had his worried face on and needed to relax. I hear the door shut, but I don't see. I keep my head buried in my knees. I don't want to worry about any of this anymore.
We drive.
"Him" I Gaze
It takes 10 steps to walk along the hall, past my brothers door, and to be at the top of the stairs. 25 to reach the kitchen. And after grabbing my annual banana and bottle of water. The three knocks on the door remind me to grab my purse and keys, that I always seem to lose. A familiar face, one I have seen ever since the age of four, walks in. Caleb greets me. His two eyebrows raise, quickly, and shoots me a smile. "Hey Smudge" That's my nickname. Has been since second grade, I accidentally came to school with oil on my face from helping Dad with the car. Still to this day, he won't let me forget it.
✯ ✯ ✯
Today feels like the slowest day of the week. I mean, I guess Fridays always seem to be. Caleb and I meet at my locker after Biology. He walks over with something in his hand. Did I mention it was my Birthday?
His eyes meet my gaze, then roam toward the necklace woven through his fingers. "It's a classic coke bottle," he says, laughing. "Like the one that sits on your desk, ever since your dad gave you one from his shop."
I frown. And he notices, his eyebrows pulls towards the center of his forehead. He's always so concerned. "Nothing," I reassure him. "You notice everything, Caleb Henry Dets."
We laugh, and I take the necklace from his hands. I shove it in my front pocket. "Let's go be fearless together!" I exclaim, as I run around him. I grab the back of his jacket and lead him to the front doors. I dash to his car. I raise my hand, as if expecting to catch something. "The keys..." I hint. "I'm driving!"
I don't give him a chance to protest, I cock my eyebrow and pull the Birthday card. Before you know it, the keys leave his hand and land in mine with a jingle. As Caleb ran to the passenger side, I turn the car on. When he reaches for the seat belt, I hit the gas peddle. His spine hits the seat. "Why do I get the feeling you will be the death of me?" He quotes from Star Wars. What a nerd. We laugh together.
I take him to the Central Graveyard. Not because of the dead people. But just off the edge of it, is where we like to crash. As I reach into my purse for my journal, I catch him from the corner of my eye, in gaze. Why is he looking at me? In an awkward shift, I look at him and open my side of the car. He hops out, before I get the chance.
"What's taking you so long, Trish?" He winks, and runs towards out spot. When he leaps over a tomb, I shake my head. I was in some kind of daze. Sort of skipping, I catch up to him. "Finally..." He jokes.
I sit underneath the old tree. And when I say old, I mean real old! The thick trunk, and the height of it - Along with the dead bark, and many holes. Gives it away. Last Spring, in the right corner we noticed a rabbits den. It makes me smile, remembering the rabbits and their curious twitch of the nose. After awhile, they actually became somewhat comfortable with us. Not that we really gave them a choice. I mean, we are here every day.
I begin to write. He hums the song Sunrise by Rascal Flatts.
✯ ✯ ✯
I don't know how long we have been sitting there, but as I look up, I see Caleb doing some Irish jig.
What a goof.
"Come on, let me write a Birthday note in there." He says, "then we can get going to dinner."
I stand and reach for his wrist. His clock says, 12:06.. Wait, that's the big hand not the little hand. I get on the other side of him, 6:12pm. I giggle a little. "Alright, I guess..." I moaned.
After handing it to Caleb, I walk towards the lake. I pace back and forth for a short-while. But as I reach my patience level, I notice just beneath my feet, a shiny, perfect skipping rock. I lean to pick it up - Oof! I turn with a glare. "Caleb!" I snap.
He stands there chuckling. I push passed him with a pout on my face. Caleb bounds beside me, and throws his arm around my shoulder. Slightly pinching the side of my stomach on his way over to my shoulder. I giggle.
"Can't I have a dramatic walk away with you making me smile?" I insist.
"Not on my watch!" He nags.
We head to dinner. Not to some fancy place. No. To Suzanne's diner off the corner of Drake St.
✯ ✯ ✯
We have been talking for an hours here. Waiting for dessert. The clock will hit eleven, in ten minutes.
Caleb looks up at me, "So Trish, so over all..." He says.
I nod.
"Your day." He hesitates, "is it worth a memory?"
I open my mouth, to reassure him that it was fantastic. When my phone rings. My brothers ringtone. The Spiderman theme song. I blush and giggle a bit. I bring my purse up onto the table, and begin the search. Caleb smirks, and pops the phone right out of the front pocket.
"You had to wait till now to wish me a good Birthday?" I chuckle a little. "Hello?" I say with concern.
"Trisha, I got in a fight..." Brody stutters. "I'm drunk, he was pissing me off, I couldn't control myself, I... I killed him."
I stop breathing. I stop blinking. I feel a tear fall out the corner of my eye, and sit on my bottom lip. I exhale, and shut my eyes. Caleb grabs my phone from my hand, and puts it to his ear. "It's okay," He says. "Where are you?" He's calm.
After some time passes. I have no idea how long. Caleb stands, puts my phone back where it was - the front pocket. Takes some money from his wallet to pay for the check, and places it underneath the salt shaker. He grabs my purse and my hand. We walk out of the diner, I try to focus on his feet, otherwise I know I will tip over. He places me in the passenger seat as easily as he did with the money. As he walks along the front of the car, he takes a breath. I can tell, because he had his worried face on and needed to relax. I hear the door shut, but I don't see. I keep my head buried in my knees. I don't want to worry about any of this anymore.
We drive.
"Him" I Gaze
I ran to him. Fast. Something inside me collapses. My chest is so tight, suffocating, can't breathe. I sink to the ground. The cement is rough around my knees. I press both palms to my chest and rock back and forth to free the tension in my chest. When I blink, I see Caleb on the phone with someone. I see Brody on a bench, with his elbows balanced on his knees and his fists in his eye sockets. Probably holding back tears. My eyes shift left. In front of him lied the body. A total stranger. I feel no sympathy for the man.
I have no explanation to that. I should feel bad for the man. I just don't. I unclamp my wrists from my chest, and straighten my arms. I stand, leaving Brody, Caleb and the foreign man. I run.
✯ ✯ ✯
Caleb finds me, I have the covers completely over my face. I am half hoping he will think I am sleeping, but he knows me too well. He grazes his palm on the edge of the bed, and then sits. "You should know me better than to just leave you here, without you physically making me leave that is, Trish" He explains. I moan, to pretend he had just woken me up. "I don't fall for it." He pulls the tip of the blanket off of my face. I turn to him.
"Him" the young man who has been here for me almost my entire life. I gaze over him. He has a spare upper lip and a more full lower lip. His eyes are so deep-set that his eyelashes touch the skin under his eyebrows. Which makes them look extremely long. And his eyes are dark blue, a dreamy, sleepy, waiting colour. The muscles in his arms are relaxed.
My cheeks feel hot. I realized I had been staring at him, far too long. His eyebrows are drawn low over his eyes. My stomach twists, partly because I am embarrassed and partly because I want something that I don't know how to express. I want to press between the space between us until it disappears.
He pulls me out from under the sheets and against his chest, gathering me in his arms. I press my face into his shoulder, and there is a sudden silence. And like this we stay for some time.
I straighten myself up. And I am looking straight into his eyes. I realize what I am doing, and I begin to just hover in front of him. What do you have to lose? I ask myself. I catch his eyes glancing to my shoulder. I had bashed into one of the corners I was turning when I was running here. Speaking felt forbidden at this moment. So I didn't bother explaining.
"Are you hurt?" he asks, in a voice that didn't puncture the quiet.
I nod, and slip the neck of my plaid off my shoulder. He rests his eyes down at it for a moment, and then runs his fingers over my bruise. They rise and fall within my bones, which stick out farther than I'd like. It sends a thrill through out my stomach. Fear... but something else too. A wanting.
He pulls the flannel plaid back onto where it last sat, and met eyes with me. A longing look.
I had used to not want to be right about Caleb's feelings for me. But I am right. And now I can't help but smile of the thought.
I search his face, remembering every depth but I can't help but linger on his lips. For a moment, I think of what I am about to do. But I am sure of it now. I glance to his eyes, and then shut mine. I lean, and my lips press his. I feel his top lip curl up, he's smiling. He bends his head and we kiss again. I smile a little and wrap my arms around him, pressing the side of my face to is chest. His heart beat against my cheek, as fast as my own.
We stay there for the rest of the night.
Platonic Love
I have no explanation to that. I should feel bad for the man. I just don't. I unclamp my wrists from my chest, and straighten my arms. I stand, leaving Brody, Caleb and the foreign man. I run.
✯ ✯ ✯
Caleb finds me, I have the covers completely over my face. I am half hoping he will think I am sleeping, but he knows me too well. He grazes his palm on the edge of the bed, and then sits. "You should know me better than to just leave you here, without you physically making me leave that is, Trish" He explains. I moan, to pretend he had just woken me up. "I don't fall for it." He pulls the tip of the blanket off of my face. I turn to him.
"Him" the young man who has been here for me almost my entire life. I gaze over him. He has a spare upper lip and a more full lower lip. His eyes are so deep-set that his eyelashes touch the skin under his eyebrows. Which makes them look extremely long. And his eyes are dark blue, a dreamy, sleepy, waiting colour. The muscles in his arms are relaxed.
My cheeks feel hot. I realized I had been staring at him, far too long. His eyebrows are drawn low over his eyes. My stomach twists, partly because I am embarrassed and partly because I want something that I don't know how to express. I want to press between the space between us until it disappears.
He pulls me out from under the sheets and against his chest, gathering me in his arms. I press my face into his shoulder, and there is a sudden silence. And like this we stay for some time.
I straighten myself up. And I am looking straight into his eyes. I realize what I am doing, and I begin to just hover in front of him. What do you have to lose? I ask myself. I catch his eyes glancing to my shoulder. I had bashed into one of the corners I was turning when I was running here. Speaking felt forbidden at this moment. So I didn't bother explaining.
"Are you hurt?" he asks, in a voice that didn't puncture the quiet.
I nod, and slip the neck of my plaid off my shoulder. He rests his eyes down at it for a moment, and then runs his fingers over my bruise. They rise and fall within my bones, which stick out farther than I'd like. It sends a thrill through out my stomach. Fear... but something else too. A wanting.
He pulls the flannel plaid back onto where it last sat, and met eyes with me. A longing look.
I had used to not want to be right about Caleb's feelings for me. But I am right. And now I can't help but smile of the thought.
I search his face, remembering every depth but I can't help but linger on his lips. For a moment, I think of what I am about to do. But I am sure of it now. I glance to his eyes, and then shut mine. I lean, and my lips press his. I feel his top lip curl up, he's smiling. He bends his head and we kiss again. I smile a little and wrap my arms around him, pressing the side of my face to is chest. His heart beat against my cheek, as fast as my own.
We stay there for the rest of the night.
Platonic Love
I'm on top of my covers, with just a thin blanket over me. My head rested on my pillow, but I don't remember falling asleep with it there. A frown is plastered on my face. I remember yesterday.
I don't care about Brody killing that man, I don't care about the phone call that struck tears down my cheek. I care about the shiver I felt down my spine when my lips touched his. Caleb's lips... It doesn't feel right talking of Caleb this way. It's not like it was my first kiss or anything, but usually it would be him I would go to for some kind of get-away.
What am I going to do? Could I get out of bed and attempt to ignore what is so impossible to forget? It's not like I could go up to him and ask "Hey Caleb, so about last night, could you just knock that out of your memory?" I'm desperate! I feel just stuck. I mean, I could stay here for awhile. With my head under the blankets. Just until something changes... anything!
I lye here for a moment. I try to breathe without the thought in my mind. I try focusing on things in my room, to take my mind off it all. The bra strap dangling out of my drawer, or maybe the shirt in my closet that is barely grasping on to the hanger. But then I see the coke bottle on my desk. I glance down to the chain dripping out of my jean pocket. I reach for it, and bring it up level with the one on my desk. Squinting my left eye, they fit perfectly over each other.
I stand very abruptly, I don't realize why until I look at where the ringing is coming from. It's Caleb. I click, ignore. That's all I can think to do at this time.
Behind me I hear Brody, I turn to him. He gives me a look that looks straight into me, like he sees every fault and every mistake I have made. My stomach drops. My phone rings again, I assume Caleb.
"You can't hide from him forever, Trish. You know that. And why would you want to? You have known that boy for 13 years. You wouldn't be able to forget about him if you tried." He dared.
I clench my teeth. He's right though. Even if I wish he wasn't. Forgetting really isn't an option. I envision how days would be without him, and I feel my body shake at the thought.
I realize when I woke this morning, it wasn't perfect. It didn't have the sun beams from my window on my cheek, and no light feeling in my chest, as if I could just sore into the sky. Not even the knowing smile that always seems to follow. No, it isn't perfect like the stories say it always is. I never expected it to be.
My phone rings, yet again. Brody begins to walk over it, taunting me. "Alright!" I announce. I rush to my phone before he can snatch it. I exhale and answer.
Maybe this is right. Right for me. This is how real "things" start.
Calling it a "thing" frightens me less.
Difference is All the Same
I don't care about Brody killing that man, I don't care about the phone call that struck tears down my cheek. I care about the shiver I felt down my spine when my lips touched his. Caleb's lips... It doesn't feel right talking of Caleb this way. It's not like it was my first kiss or anything, but usually it would be him I would go to for some kind of get-away.
What am I going to do? Could I get out of bed and attempt to ignore what is so impossible to forget? It's not like I could go up to him and ask "Hey Caleb, so about last night, could you just knock that out of your memory?" I'm desperate! I feel just stuck. I mean, I could stay here for awhile. With my head under the blankets. Just until something changes... anything!
I lye here for a moment. I try to breathe without the thought in my mind. I try focusing on things in my room, to take my mind off it all. The bra strap dangling out of my drawer, or maybe the shirt in my closet that is barely grasping on to the hanger. But then I see the coke bottle on my desk. I glance down to the chain dripping out of my jean pocket. I reach for it, and bring it up level with the one on my desk. Squinting my left eye, they fit perfectly over each other.
I stand very abruptly, I don't realize why until I look at where the ringing is coming from. It's Caleb. I click, ignore. That's all I can think to do at this time.
Behind me I hear Brody, I turn to him. He gives me a look that looks straight into me, like he sees every fault and every mistake I have made. My stomach drops. My phone rings again, I assume Caleb.
"You can't hide from him forever, Trish. You know that. And why would you want to? You have known that boy for 13 years. You wouldn't be able to forget about him if you tried." He dared.
I clench my teeth. He's right though. Even if I wish he wasn't. Forgetting really isn't an option. I envision how days would be without him, and I feel my body shake at the thought.
I realize when I woke this morning, it wasn't perfect. It didn't have the sun beams from my window on my cheek, and no light feeling in my chest, as if I could just sore into the sky. Not even the knowing smile that always seems to follow. No, it isn't perfect like the stories say it always is. I never expected it to be.
My phone rings, yet again. Brody begins to walk over it, taunting me. "Alright!" I announce. I rush to my phone before he can snatch it. I exhale and answer.
Maybe this is right. Right for me. This is how real "things" start.
Calling it a "thing" frightens me less.
Difference is All the Same
Honestly, I thought platonic love existed. I didn't think there was some invisible space between best friends that can never be conveyed, but I didn't expect it to be crossed by us. "Friend zone" never occurred, because I was so oblivious to the signs. What I think keeps us so simple is we haven't changed. Sure, we walk closer than we used to, and we notice our eyes meeting more often... But hey, the heart wants what it wants. There is no logic behind those things. You meet someone, and somewhere down the line you fall in love and that's that.
Simplicity.
Today Caleb and I are becoming college students! North Carolina Wesleyan College. Caleb is taking up psychology, while I was convinced to pursue my journalism and try english and sociology. Once there I plan to join the cultural programs, including visiting writers series. Staying home felt right. Leaving the diner, our spot, and Brody all alone isn't really a choice.
35 steps from my bedroom to my kitchen. A banana waiting in the pantry, as I fill up my water bottle. I hear the three knocks on my door, and it reminds me to grab the things I seem to lose. He greets me as he usually does, with one thing different. I walk to him, and he looks down at me, his eyes brightened by the lightness of the room. He gives me that quirky smile, that one he knew I had loved from a long time ago. Caressing my jawbone, he lifts my chin; our noses almost touching. I can feel the warmth of his breath brushing the top of my lip. I stare back into his hardened blue eyes. He bends his head and kisses me slowly. It feels familiar. I know exactly how we fit together, his arms around my waist, my hands on his chest. We have each other memorized.
We break apart. He grabs my purse and keys from my hand, I grab my banana and water bottle, and we walk to the car. He doesn't open my door, he doesn't wait till I am comfortable to drive. We just go, and that's the way I like it.
✯ ✯ ✯
We are 3 minutes away from the college, I can tell Caleb is excited because the edges of his mouth are practically touching his ears. His hands are pattering the steering wheel to the radio, and his humming soothes my nerves. I like seeing him like this. He gives me hope, just his attitude and his somewhat permanent smile. Suddenly, that smile of his vanishes. Our eyes meet, just for a half of a second. The headlights speed towards us, the tires screech and a blaring horn scream in my ear, almost deafening. Leaving no time to react, I feel the colossal impact.
My body is aching, every breath is another glass shifting in me. My head throbs, and the adrenaline has left but my heart is still fast. Every heart beat my head pounds. Two arms reach underneath my limbs and I feel lifted out of the car. I am in a heavy black cloud. Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. Just this heaviness in my whole body. So heavy that I cannot move. I can't remember how to open my eyes. I strain to hear and makes sense of it all. I feel some light shining on my closed eyes, just for a moment. I struggle to open them. Success. Everything is racing. The lights are flashing, and people are busy dealing with the crash. The truck is fine, but our car, it's on its side. The door that is opened, is the right; the passenger side. A man is waving his arms in an X, and the way his lips move is very exaggerated. I can't make out what they are saying... I can't hear anything. Nothing but a constant hum, like the world is blocked out.
But it isn't. I still know that I haven't seen Caleb. I know that the truck had impacted his side first. And I now know that the man who was yelling was calling over the paramedics, whom seem to be rushing but I can see from the last man he has no hope, neither do I. My mind leaves my body again.
Among the Daisies
Simplicity.
Today Caleb and I are becoming college students! North Carolina Wesleyan College. Caleb is taking up psychology, while I was convinced to pursue my journalism and try english and sociology. Once there I plan to join the cultural programs, including visiting writers series. Staying home felt right. Leaving the diner, our spot, and Brody all alone isn't really a choice.
35 steps from my bedroom to my kitchen. A banana waiting in the pantry, as I fill up my water bottle. I hear the three knocks on my door, and it reminds me to grab the things I seem to lose. He greets me as he usually does, with one thing different. I walk to him, and he looks down at me, his eyes brightened by the lightness of the room. He gives me that quirky smile, that one he knew I had loved from a long time ago. Caressing my jawbone, he lifts my chin; our noses almost touching. I can feel the warmth of his breath brushing the top of my lip. I stare back into his hardened blue eyes. He bends his head and kisses me slowly. It feels familiar. I know exactly how we fit together, his arms around my waist, my hands on his chest. We have each other memorized.
We break apart. He grabs my purse and keys from my hand, I grab my banana and water bottle, and we walk to the car. He doesn't open my door, he doesn't wait till I am comfortable to drive. We just go, and that's the way I like it.
✯ ✯ ✯
We are 3 minutes away from the college, I can tell Caleb is excited because the edges of his mouth are practically touching his ears. His hands are pattering the steering wheel to the radio, and his humming soothes my nerves. I like seeing him like this. He gives me hope, just his attitude and his somewhat permanent smile. Suddenly, that smile of his vanishes. Our eyes meet, just for a half of a second. The headlights speed towards us, the tires screech and a blaring horn scream in my ear, almost deafening. Leaving no time to react, I feel the colossal impact.
My body is aching, every breath is another glass shifting in me. My head throbs, and the adrenaline has left but my heart is still fast. Every heart beat my head pounds. Two arms reach underneath my limbs and I feel lifted out of the car. I am in a heavy black cloud. Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. Just this heaviness in my whole body. So heavy that I cannot move. I can't remember how to open my eyes. I strain to hear and makes sense of it all. I feel some light shining on my closed eyes, just for a moment. I struggle to open them. Success. Everything is racing. The lights are flashing, and people are busy dealing with the crash. The truck is fine, but our car, it's on its side. The door that is opened, is the right; the passenger side. A man is waving his arms in an X, and the way his lips move is very exaggerated. I can't make out what they are saying... I can't hear anything. Nothing but a constant hum, like the world is blocked out.
But it isn't. I still know that I haven't seen Caleb. I know that the truck had impacted his side first. And I now know that the man who was yelling was calling over the paramedics, whom seem to be rushing but I can see from the last man he has no hope, neither do I. My mind leaves my body again.
Among the Daisies
I am lying in a white bed, that is extremely uncomfortable. The room is bright. The light from the window reflecting off the white walls, makes me want to close my eyes again. The strong smell of anti-bacterial cleaner fills my nose. My mouth is dry. I am covered in tubes and bandages. I hear the beeping of a machine and slowly, I turn my head towards the source of the noise. The muscles in my neck are stiff and sore. I saw Brody sitting in a chair by the window, sleeping it appeared.
I don't understand it. I never let the fairy tales get to my mind as many other girls do. I don't expect much to come out of my life. Before Caleb and I, figured I could just do the things that are mandatory for life, health and happiness. Forget about the extra gifts we give to ourselves and forget about our passions. It only stands in the way. I guess that's just it... Caleb gave me false hope. I started to believe in my own fairy tale, in my own perfect ending. I began to trust in the romance, thinking life would be "my" perfect. But life just got in the way, or I guess in this case, death did.
I shake my head out of my daze, and my eyes meet his.
I don't understand it. I never let the fairy tales get to my mind as many other girls do. I don't expect much to come out of my life. Before Caleb and I, figured I could just do the things that are mandatory for life, health and happiness. Forget about the extra gifts we give to ourselves and forget about our passions. It only stands in the way. I guess that's just it... Caleb gave me false hope. I started to believe in my own fairy tale, in my own perfect ending. I began to trust in the romance, thinking life would be "my" perfect. But life just got in the way, or I guess in this case, death did.
I shake my head out of my daze, and my eyes meet his.
